Someone Shut My Brain Off, Please!!!

Why is it we want what we cannot have? Have I offended some ancient god in a former life? My intentions started off so pure and sincerer. I didn’t want to fall for anyone and, by the same token, not want to hurt anyone.

I suppose that is the funny thing about me. I have been trained to keep my feelings suppressed. If I have one skill in this life that I excel at, that would be it. But the cost is endless nights of turmoil. I don’t sleep well. I have a back injury that helps with that but more so my brain. It just keeps ticking and will not let me rest. Though the diversion of thought does help with the pain, I end up reaching for something. I wish I knew what this elusive something was.

In not wanting to hurt people I found myself alone. Everything I ever owned I have earned and left no debt, well so I thought. I locked myself away form human contact for 5 years. The chore of meeting people was just so much to bear.

I wish I could use sex as a drug and have mindless consummation of lust as an escape. But that is not me. I have only ever done that with someone I have cared for. I have only ever indulged with someone that I love or think I love. And I know people’s perception of me as being so straight laced and ridged of character. If only they knew what lay beneath.

Like every human on this earth, I crave for that human contact. Not just in the cardinal but in the sensual as well. The feeling of a body near your’s, that is contented by the mere fact that you are there. But, then too there is the will to indulge in the cardinal and like I said before, I am a master at keeping my wants and desires suppressed.

Like I said I want what I cannot have. This I suppose is my first admission to being human too. So my mind scolds me. Why am I doing this? What are you thinking? Then the realization that I am just wanting my brain to see the reflection of the torment it puts me through. Was there a trigger to this or was it just time?

The tighter the grip I have on my thoughts the more slip though. I don’t want my brain playing with my wants and desires. I know I can’t have them so why want them? Why keep thinking there is something more when what is, is. I will never be the man I once was. I will never be able to do the things I once did. I am locked in this pathetic excuse for a body in a situation I cannot escape.

Breaking a back made me think I lost my manhood. I am starting to think it was that it did more than that. It threw me into a prison and the indignity of wearing an iron mask as well. I can’t even recognize me anymore. There are some glimmers of my former self but it is like trying to see your reflection in a shattered mirror.