There Is No Such Thing as Secret Men’s Business.

Next week is my brother’s buck’s party and his best man has organized it with my brother’s help. They had planned that there would be a stripper there and there was no secret made of the fact. My brother rang me today and informed me that his bride to be has taken offence to this and has issued an ultimatum “There is to be no stripper of there will be no wedding”.

I don’t care if there is one there or not as I am going for my brother. What I have taken offence too is the ultimatum. I am appalled that the bride to be is trying to assert her dominance over him and take control of the proceedings. Especially when she had been informed the whole time of the plans and no such courtesy has been extended about her hen’s night.

Having worked in the wedding industry, I can say that, on the whole, buck’s parties are quite tame affairs as compared to hen’s nights. Perhaps my brother’s fiancée would prefer that we have a tea party with scones. I know that she has a night out planned with the girls and no details other than that are forthcoming.

Which brings me to weddings in general which are all about the bride. The groom is nothing more than the money bags that stands there and pays for some woman to live a fairytale for a day. In the case of my brother, it is she that has the final say on all the plans and it is typical of most weddings. The one day that my brother gets to celebrate with friends and family in a manner in which he has chosen is now too marred by her dominance.

Enough is enough. The writing is on the wall for my brother and if he cannot see that he is going to be under the thumb of a control freak for the rest of his married days then I have the perfect wedding gift for you. A gelding knife.

Doctor Evil’s Houseboat.

For all you Austin Powers fans, fear not, because he is no longer frozen in outer space, circling the earth, but taken residence on Sydney Harbor. He has taken the guise of function coordinator and luring, would be party goers, to a nightmare trip across the water.

Innocently enough, you will be presented an invitation to, of all things, a wedding. You will be given less than a weeks notice and be asked to do some chores. For me it would be to assist with the photography. It was an occasion that would see me being followed all night by one of Dr. Evil’s Hench men, in an effort to step in front of my shot at every opportunity. He will also use his camera as a weapon to try to destroy your favorite lens and in the effort see your lens cap go overboard.

Dr. Evil has perfected his weather controlling device so that you can’t use your now broken lens as signal mirror when passing by the naval base at Garden Island. Let’s face it folks you are imprisoned on this craft till such time Dr. Evil has subjected you to as much mental torture as he possibly can. His “Weather Machine” has inflicted as many casualties as it can on relatives that you avoid at the best of times. But due to the slips and falls they suffered trying to board Dr. Evil’s boat; they now feel they have a legitimate excuse to annoy you, or the copious amount of mutton, dressed as lamb that would have disintegrated your lens if not already damaged, asking you to take photos.

If you thought Dr. Evil had done his worst, then think again. He has the audacity to serve an “M.S.G.” laced, prison menu. This caused all the junior inmates to act like genital ramming goats and the alcohol making the senior members try to grope you at any given opportunity.

So Folks, Dr. Evil is alive and well and his latest plot to take over the world by subjecting you to mental torture seems like a winner, “Yeah Baby!”

Four Weddings and a Funeral?

Most would know that this is the title of movie with the famous opening lines “Fuck it”, but today sees that I am invited to a wedding next Sunday as the bride to be is in the family way. One of my brother’s is also set to tie the knot this May and another if he ever gets around to planning it. So that means this year two out of three are confirmed with the other looming. As it is early in the year there may be another. So if the title is to hold true, where is the funeral?

Anyway I was wondering if my choice of outfit would be suitable as it seems I am going to have ample occasion to wear it this year.